Going all the way back

Four years ago today, I started my blog.

This was my very first post, which, as you can tell, didn't consist of much more than "hey, this is my blog!" I was one week into my sabbatical when I started the blog, and I was anxious. After years (decades?) of following a clear path, of doing exactly what everyone expected me to do, I had done something crazy. I'd asked for time off from a fabulous career path. Without a plan. Without a detailed pros and cons list. It felt like I was risking everything I had spent my entire life working so hard for, and I was scared.

I knew exactly why I was doing it - G had just turned six and N and K were three. They were amazing and adorable and it felt like I was too exhausted to appreciate any of that. I wanted to be with them. I wanted to take some time to breathe, to slow down. I was sure that taking time off was the right thing to do, yet I was terrified that it wasn't.

I started the blog is document my sabbatical, to "record" all the cool stuff we were doing. I suppose this was done partly to prove to myself (and anyone that I felt might be judging me) that I was doing stuff, that we were having fun, that the sabbatical was a good idea. (For the record, it was. Those 4-5 months were some of the most fun times I ever had. I absolutely loved doing Mommy School with the kids, and G even talks about it sometime. N and K do, too, but I'm not sure if they actually remember it or if they just are repeating from the photos they've seen and stories I've told them. Despite everything that happened after that with work, I'd do it again in a second.)

Then my sabbatical ended, and I went back to work. I kept blogging, though, because I found that I loved documenting our time this way. It was an easy way for friends and family to keep up with our lives, and it also served as our little "scrapbook" of our family. I also found that it met this little need that I didn't even realize that I had: I love to write. I met all kinds of new friends from all across the country, and I enjoyed catching up on their blogs each week.

Times are changing, though, and I wonder about the future of this blog. Lately, it hasn't felt quite the same. I'm working full-time, and our free time is consumed by sports, school and other activities. Finding an hour or two to sort through pictures and type out stories is harder than it used to be. Blogging was always a fun thing that I looked forward to, but there have been times in the last six months where it felt like a burden. Which is silly, of course, since no one has any expectations about this blog other than me.

As the kids get older, I also find myself viewing these posts differently. All my friends in KC knew about this blog - coworkers, soccer moms, families from our neighborhood, etc. When we moved, though, I was very careful to not share it with our new friends here. When N and K were spending their days watching Dora, it felt like their stories were MY stories. Now that they are in elementary school, it is clear that their stories are not necessarily mine to tell. As badly as I want to document a funny story or post a picture (this is, after all, still my family "scrapbook") I sometimes find myself holding back for exactly that reason. Would they want that shared? Is it my place to share it? Instead of posting that stuff, I end up writing about "safe" topics like soccer and holidays.

It feels that as they grow older, this blog will become less about them and more perhaps about me. I'm not sure exactly what that means or how I feel about it, but for now, I'm going to keep writing and see where this takes me.